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Loud beeping interrupts an amen session at church. One-handed driver causes you to slam on the brakes on your way to work. Girlish giggling annoys as you try to eat a corndog at the mall. We’ve all been there. Each and every one of us. We’ve all been the victims of cell phone abusers.
We are a growing minority in this country. A blessed few trying to make our way through a society dominated by individuals wearing corny rings, carrying pink covered cell phones, and, worst of all, not one meaningful thing to talk about.
First, let me just say that I am only critiquing those cell phone abusers who use said phones for material clout and/or social betterment.
If you have a cell phone because you get scared driving home at night, keep it. If you wear a cell phone on your belt for business, keep it. And if you carry a cell phone because your wife made you, I’ll pray for you tonight you poor, poor soul.
But to those of you out there who own cell phones that ring to the tune of Britney Spears songs and/or resemble Dennis Rodman’s various hair colors, please know that this article is about you.
In has been my experience that there are three distinct types of cell phone abusers: loud, tacky, and pointless. Each is very different, yet, over time, most develop the characteristics of all three abusers.
Loud abusers are the easiest type to identify. They are the ones that “forget” to turn their phones off during church, movies, classes, or any other situations where civil human beings desire silence.
The only question I have for these people is how many times must a pastor grimace or a movie patron “SHHHH!” before you people finally turn off those phones and turn on your brains?
Tacky abusers are neither the most annoying nor the most common, but they just might be the most distressing. They buy cell phone covers or other accessories to match various outfits.
“I use aqua with my blue jeans, emerald with my lime purse, and, or course, midnight with my black party dress.” Here’s a hint, stop trying to impress strangers with your color schemes, and put the phone down so you can actually talk to them . . .perish the thought . . . in person.
And lastly we have the most common type of cell phone abuser: pointless. These are the people who can carry on ten-minute conversations while in the line at Burger King about new ties or Steven Seagal movies. They pay fifty dollars a month so their best friend’s sister can stay updated on all the latest Days of Our Lives plots and celebrity rumors.
To those people I say . . .Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue with your stirring discussion on the benefits of off-white vs. white.
If you have any questions about this article, please feel free to email me or leave a voice mail on my wife’s cell phone – she always makes me carry it.

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